That Which Doesn’t Kill You…

It’s no secret that 2008’s heel hasn’t stopped grinding Renee and me into the ground.  Hell, it’s been kicking a lot of people in the taint, I know we do not have the monopoly on that, that’s for certain.  But there aren’t too many experiences that generate the same nausea-inducing feeling I have right now.  Feeling helpless, hopeless, inept, insecure…  The list goes on.

It’s also no secret that Renee is the stronger one between the two of us.  She has the smarts, the looks, I accepted this long ago and I’m cool with it.  To say I was oblivious to what was going on with the mortgage would be a massive understatement.  But I’m working on that, as unfair as it was at the time.

Right now we’re feeling beaten.  Aside from this long battle, 2008 has taken our dog, our time, our money, and pretty much our spirit.

If you’re unaware, last week GMAC closed its doors and laid off over 5,000 people, give or take.  Our broker was one of those people.  But he has our file, is working with a company he has a rapport with, and we should be hearing from him soon.  We were expecting to hear from him Friday, but that didn’t happen.  We didn’t hear from him today, either.  Friday was also the day Renee received some pretty depressing news at work.  Saturday we braced for the storm that was coming with the leftovers from Hannah.  We had a little trickle of water come into the basement, but nothing the dehumidifier couldn’t handle.  But I still freak out a tad when we get or are expecting to get some heavy rainfall.  Luckily this was mostly wind.  Sunday was the only bright spot in recent memory – we went for a drive, had a nice brunch, did some window shopping, picked up some bargain-priced books, came home and spent time with Nanuuq before doing the usual ‘get ready for the work week’ routine.

So yeah, today, still no word on our refinance.  And even though we have proof that the mortgage has been paid every month and in full, the shitheels at ASC (an oh-so-wonderful Wells Fargo company) have been reporting that the payments are late and are only partial.  And it doesn’t look like Equifax believes us or the evidence that supports our claim.

Tonight I called the woman that I love and adore that I would do anything for (and do anything to) and she sounds crushed.  And that’s where the feelings I described come into play.  The idea that I can’t do anything to make this right, to make her feel better, to ease her pain and frustration makes me ill.  I try to scream, nothing comes out.  I’m even too damn spent to cry.

Maybe typing out my various and assorted thoughts will help somewhat.

There are people worse off than us.  Without a doubt.  I wish I could help them.  But as this pity party proves, I can’t even help myself or my wife.

We just want this over.  We mistakenly assumed that 2008 would be ‘our year’.  We get it.  It’s not.  You win.

Happy fucking birthday to me.